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Multi Car Owner
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930 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This kid comes down for breakfast and asks for some bacon, eggs, and milk. Mom says he must go do his chores on the farm first, while she is making it. He gets upset but does it. So he heads out and starts working mean while mom is watching him thru a window and see's the boy kicking the chicken, then the cow, then a pig. So finally he comes in and see's that all he has to eat is a bowl of dry cereal. The kid asks why jsut the dry cereal. Mom said i saw you kicking the chicken, so now eggs today, then I saw you kick the pig so no bacon for a few days, and then I saw you kick the cow so not milk for a week. Well the kids jsut deals with it. Well Dad comes down and kicks the cat, at that point the kid aks mom, SHOULD I TELL HIM OR WILL YOU?? Ha ha ha ha
 

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Old Skool Member
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1,031 Posts
Actual Newspaper ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD.
HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB-
> > > > $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING
GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR:$15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED
MATTRESS.
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SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
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GUN CLUB
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GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
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NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
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$9.75 PER HOUR?
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STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
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---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE
WHOLE MOB.
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-----------------------------------------------
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SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
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FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
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BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE
COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------

AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer

needed. Recently married; wife knows everything
 

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7,859 Posts
3 retired woman are sitting on the beach one day. Two of them started talking about how proud they were of they're sons. The first lady said, " My son is in charge of a powerful law frim in New York". The 2nd lady said " My son is a doctor/ cheif of surgeons in a big NY hospital". Then the two looked at the thrid lady, who was being very quiet, and asked what does your son do. She said, "well not much he does odd jobs". The two then ask, "Is he married"? The thrid lady responds "No he is gay". Well the two other women looked at each other in shock. The thrid old lady said but he does have 2 boy firends. Ones a cheif of surgeons in NY the other is a lawyer in some in big law frim in NY.
 

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Multi Car Owner
Joined
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930 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
MY FIRST TIME

The Moon was full,
The night stood still,
I walked to her
And felt the night's cold chill.
I looked in her eye,
And held her in my arms,
I was ready for her now,
Ready for her golden charm.
I loved her a lot,
And I cared so much,
It seemed like she
Was much more than a crush.
I knew it was time,
So I took off my shirt,
I touched her soft breast,
And saw the white soft squirt.
I had a good time,
During that passionate night,
The rest I can't tell,
But do it again,
I might.
It was my first time,
It's all over now,
It was my first time...


MILKING A COW.
 

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Multi Car Owner
Joined
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930 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
This man goes to the doc asking for some Viagra, 3 pills to be exact. Doc asks why so many. Your young, look in good shape. The guy says well this friday my ex-wife is coming over, sat my girl friend will be in, and Sunday my wife will be home and I will need it to make it through the weekend. The doc hesistates and goes ahead and gives him the pills. Well Monday he goes back to the doc with his arm in a sling. The Doc was like OH what happened? The guy replies, NO ONE SHOWED UP!
 

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Explorer Member
Joined
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53 Posts
A local man goes into an Irish pub one day and tells the bartender to give him 3 Guinness - the bartender says, "I'll give you one at a time and keep them fresh." The man declines and says "I want all 3 right now, please" The barkeep obliges and gives him the 3 which he quickly drinks down. The next day ... the same story. The barkeep says "Sir, may I ask why ye want 3 Guinness on the bar at the same time? Just curious." The man replies, "My 2 brothers have left Ireland, one headed for America and the other for Australia. We swore that each day we were apart for the rest of our live we would go to a pub and have a drink for each of us." The bartender, satisfied with the answer put 3 Guinness in front of the man and went about his business. This went on for over two years, when one day the man entered and said "two Guinness please" the barkeep asked, "Joe? Don't you want your usual 3?" "No Seamus" he replied, "Just 2 today and from now on" The bartender poured him his two and began speaking with one of the other customers "Jaysus! I feel bad for Joe. He's lost a brother. The poor lad." The other gent nodded and they both approached Joseph. "Joseph, friend, we'd like to offer you our condolences and our hearts are with you and yours this day." Joseph finished his second Guinness and rose to get his hat. "Condolences for what?!" Joseph offered. "Well," said Seamus ... "you only had 2 drinks, so we see you've lost a brother, and we're deeply sorry." As Joseph puts on his hat he replies, "I haven't lost a brother, you fools! I've just quit drinkin!"
 

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Old Skool Member
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1,031 Posts
Once there was a little boy who lived in the
country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold
in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse
was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse
into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen
so the little boy decided today was the day to push
the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick
and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered "yes".
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."

The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't in that cherry tree."
 
S

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Guest
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0 Posts
Heres a poem sent to me by a good friend....enjoy



THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle...
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way

Oh, f*%k this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

Elaine Plein
 

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Old Skool Member
Joined
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1,031 Posts
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
 

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Registered
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7,750 Posts
Holding The Baby
----------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated
next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."

"Good idea," the man said. "Here, I'll hold your monkey."
 

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Registered
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10,560 Posts
Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that the parish priest had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first in the morning, with the older boy to see the priest in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where
is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found
him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it.
 

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Old Skool Member
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1,031 Posts
Subject: Something to think about


Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...
now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Dyslexia means never having
to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
had it, chances are you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
 

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Mod/Multicar Member
Joined
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149 Posts
heres a clinton joke

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,Clinton
had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face"

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by
mistake she slapped me".

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack Clinton again".
 

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Ranchero Member
Joined
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53 Posts
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

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Registered
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7,750 Posts
Health Tips and News The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
***************************************************************************

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
****************************************************************************

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.
****************************************************************************

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
****************************************************************************

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find
that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to
reevaluate your exercise program.
****************************************************************************

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
****************************************************************************

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If
you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
****************************************************************************

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
****************************************************************************

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.
****************************************************************************

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
 

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Multi Car Owner
Joined
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930 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
GRANNY POOTED!

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
 

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Classic Mustang Member
Joined
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92 Posts
What did the mouse say after taking viagra?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Here kitty, kitty.

I know it's bad!
 
M

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Guest
Joined
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0 Posts
The following were taken from actual employee
evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently
fails to achieve them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts,
the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic
thingy that holds it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite
finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other
is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a
week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would
get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he
gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a
baby.
 

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The SparkleHunter™
Joined
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10,144 Posts
Here's one for ya...
 

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