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Tim posted a thread elsewhere on jokes, I cant remember where it is, so I'll start one here. REMEMBER.....NO profanity,..NO lewd comments, or anything derogatory. keep it clean, but reasonably dirty if you get my drift..
 

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THE DOCTOR said:
Tim posted a thread elsewhere on jokes, I cant remember where it is, so I'll start one here. REMEMBER.....NO profanity,..NO lewd comments, or anything derogatory. keep it clean, but reasonably dirty if you get my drift..
*** is searching the net for aussie related jokes ***

*** comes accross a blonde site:D :D :D :D ***

:evil:
 
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Adam and Eve were standing in the Garden of Eden, when Eve asked Adam a rather puzzling question. Adam, she said, what are we. What do you mean said Adam. Well said Eve, I mean, what are we, are we black or are we white. Adam thought for a moment and said, well I suppose where white. How do you know said Eve. I dont, said Adam, lets ask God. HEY GOD.. yell's Adam, a big booming voice comes back, yes Adam what is it. I have a question for you, are we black or are we white. There was silence and then God replied, you are, what you are. Well that settles it said Adam where white. How do you know said Eve. simple said Adam, if we was black, he would have said you is what you is.
 
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A Guy gets a letter from the RTA in the post with a photo of his car and a fine for $100 for speeding through a radar. the guy photocopies a $100 dollar note and sends it in to the RTA, that'll fix them he say's. two weeks later another letter arrives from the RTA with a photo of a pair of handcuffs.
 

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Re: Re: Just for a laugh.

priteshpatel99 said:


*** is searching the net for aussie related jokes ***

*** comes accross a blonde site:D :D :D :D ***

:evil:
I don't think Australia is the only place in the world where there are blondes Pritesh ;) :p :rolleyes:
 
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1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

7. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

11 We recently received a memo from senior management saying: This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
 
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Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is.

"Top o the morning to you, young fella!"

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called 'tees'", replies Tiger Woods.

"And what would dey be for then?" inquires the Irish man.

"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Jaysus!" says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting".
 
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Car Problems

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"
 

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A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning " I " , points to his knee meaning "need" and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says " What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said i need a handsaw " The other guy says " I know that, i was just trying to tell you i'm coming ".
 

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There was a theme night at a nightclub with a bouncer standing at the front and everyone had to dress up as an emotion.
One guy was wearing very colourful clothes and started walking towards the nightclub. The bouncer stops the guy and says " What are you meant to be ?" and the guy says " i'm happy" so the bouncer lets him through.
Minutes later another guy comes up to the bouncer wearing black clothes and the bouncer says "What are you meant to be? " and the guy replies "I'm sad" so the bouncer lets him through.
Soon after, two guys get to the door of the nightclub , one guy with his dick in a bowl of custard and the other guy has his dick in a pear . The bouncer asks " what the hell are you guys supposed to be ?" The first guy says "Well i'm [email protected] discusted and my mate is deep in despair".
 

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J-type said:
OK this is probably a bit boarderline but I had to post it......

A picture tells a thousand words>... :D
*** Is sensing inner hostillity ***:p ;)
 

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It seems that some of the guy's over at LS1.com think we are amatures just given a first taste of a Photoshop program.

Well I don't have Photoshop so they can't be referring to me. :flame: :cussing: :cussing: :wink2:
 

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I heard this on the radio when I was living in Vancouver, Canada. Some Aussie bloke had rung up to tell his joke on-air.

This guy walks into a pub with this steering wheel down his pants.

The bar tender looks at him puzzled, and asks' "Hay mate, what's with that steering wheel down your dacks?."

The bloke answers back, "I don't know mate, but it's been driving me nuts all day."


Lukeyson
 
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Confusious says squirrel lays on rock to crack nuts man lays on crack to rock nuts.
 

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to do is go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
 
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