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F150 member
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99 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
but keep it clean ;)

these two nuns are riding down the back streets of Rome and the one nun leans over to the other nun and says ive never come this way..the other nun whispers..its the cobble stones....

that was clean.. wasnt it?
LOL


Searching for the meaning of "clean"
one naughty post at a time.
:p
 

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F150 member
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99 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Which condom would you use....?

Ford Condoms: TOUGH!
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Zippo Condoms: Put a Zip in your Grip
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... LMAO!!
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
Chevron: use them? people do.
FED-EX Condom: when it absolutely, positively has to be there over night.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
American Express: Dont leave home without it.
9-lives condom: When it has to be good enough for morris. ACK!!!!
Visa Condoms: Accepted Everywhere
who wants to be a millionaire condom: Is that your final answer???
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before ***(Be afraid.. be very.. afraid..) LOL
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
MCI: for friends and family **YIPES**
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities **Groovy
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? **WOOHOO LOL

hahahaha :)
Well now.. that was fun :D
 

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F150 member
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99 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants...
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


Today's Quote:
"Get silly " (cause "get naked" is not an option on this board)Teehee
 

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Ok, here is one sent to me by my mechanic. This isnt intended to be offensive towards blondes. I just think its funny...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond
weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

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Multi Car Owner
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927 Posts
Ha ha ha ha, GOOD ONE!!
 

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Mod/Multicar Member
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149 Posts
the wit of george carlin

The Wit Of George Carlin

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 

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F150 member
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99 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
hahahaha very nice Mark :)




The accident


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
hahahaha
 

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Im not normal!!
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18 Posts
Ok here I go:

There was a man that has lost his right eye due to an accident. Every night before he went to sleep he would take the eye out and place it under his pillow. One night after drinking like a mad man, he woke to find out his fake eye wasn't under his pillow. He went 3 days without finding it and had to get another one. During this time he had allot of pain in his stomach and couldn't take the pain no longer and went to the doctor.

The doctor gives him and examination and starts to probe around the outer part of his stomach area and ab area. The guys is in tremondous pain.

The doctor asked him, when was the last time you used the bathroom and took a dump. The guy responds that it has been about 3 to 4 days already.

The doctor tells him, well your constipated. I suggest and enama. The guy is like, hell now. NO WAY.. So the doctor thinks about it and tells the man, you know what bend over and let me see what I can do.

The man bends over and the doctor takes a flash ligh and looks at his ass. The doctor tells the man, "you know I have been a doctor for over 20 years, and I have seening many asses, but never has an ass seen me!!"
 

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F150 member
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Discussion Starter #15
ewwwwww



designated... One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Todays Quote:
If anyone asks..
"It wasnt me" :D
 

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Cougar Member
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29 Posts
Surgery

Surgery

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
 

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Used Car Classifieds Translations

If the ad says…. it really means….

MUST SELL… before it blows up.
RUNS FINE… I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK… was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
WELL-MAINTAINED… I occasionally changed the oil.
LOOKS LIKE NEW… just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS… each one more troublesome than the last.
NEVER SMOKED IN… unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR… I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL… to drive you insane.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR… doesn't run.
ENGINE QUIET... uses 90-weight oil
PARTS CAR... beyond repair.
ROUGH CONDITION… too bad to lie about.
IMMACULATE... recently washed.
CONCOURS... recently waxed.
NEEDS MINOR OVERHAUL... needs engine.
NEEDS MAJOR OVERHAUL... phone the junkyard.
BURNS NO OIL... (it all leaks out).
REBUILT ENGINE... cleaned the spark plugs.
DRIVE IT AWAY... I live on a hill.
DRIVE IT ANYWHERE... (within 10 miles).
DESIRABLE CLASSIC... no one wants it.
RARE CLASSIC... no one wanted it even when it was new.
STORED 20 YEARS... (in a farmer's field).
RAN WHEN STORED... won't start.
NEVER APART... bolts too rounded to loosen.
SOLID AS A ROCK... rusted solid
RESTORED, WITH 0 MILES... won't start.
RESTORED, WITH 2 MILES... won't stay running.
OLDER RESTORATION... first owner washed it.
GOOD INVESTMENT... can't be worth much less.
NO TIME TO RESTORE IT... can't obtain parts.
95% COMPLETE... other 5% doesn't exist.
CLEAN… homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
GOOD TRANSPORTATION… It's ugly as sin.
ENGINE BLUEPRINTED… I don't know what it means either.
EXCELLENT GAS MILEAGE… It's slow.
LOW MILES… the odometer was turned back.
ONE OWNER… can't give it away.
SURE TO APPRECIATE… that's why I'm selling it.
OR BEST OFFER… I'm guessing here.
OTHER INTERESTS CONFLICT... spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #[email protected]?# thing goes or I do!"
 
P

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MOD2FLY said:
scamper's blonde... lol

;)
Hey, Im blonde now! Only since Saturday, but Ive already noticed Im getting slower and dumber by the minute... :rolleyes: :( :eek: And I only got highlights in my hair... Imagine if I was, nah I wont even go there... :rolleyes:
 
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OK this is a bad joke but it was funny cuz I heard it from a customer of mine and the guy is like 75 years old he can barely even move...

Theres a guy in Chicago 500 feet high walking on a rope and theres a guy in New York getting a blowjob - can I say BJ??? well I just did - from a 90 year old woman. They are both thinking the same thing, what is it?
...
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Dont look down, for Gods sake just DONT look dowwwn!!!
:rolleyes:
 
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